The UK Government has announced that it has appointed a new ‘Lockdown Czar’ to lead plans to lift the lockdown. Bill Board from Rochdale was given the job after collecting 20 bags of crisps last week.

A spokesman told us, “If at times like this you cannot rely on the humble common as muck sense of the British Tommy then when can you? We spent all of about 45 seconds discussing what sort of dupe we could get to lead the way. If it works then we’ll obviously take credit for hiring him. If it doesn’t work and is an unmitigated disaster then we’ve not lost anything. We just wash our hands of what’s his name and tell people he didn’t have enough common sense. I mean, he burnt 7 5G masts down last month so it shouldn’t be that difficult to do.”

Bill Board told us, “With my new position I plan to create a task force of people that will go out burning every 5G mast to the ground. Everyone knows it’s 5G that’s causing this. It’s just common sense.”

When the patent absurdity of Bill’s position was put to the Government spokesman he said, “The war, the war, the war.”

When we asked for clarification we were told that only traitors that don’t believe hard enough ask these questions and lockdown would never end if we carried on this way.