The Tory Party is today celebrating getting its election campaign back on track after it managed to go a full half an hour without anyone resigning over rape or racism allegations.
Spokesman Caligula Rees-Mogg told us, “Everyone is talking about Boris frisbeeing that wreath on to the Cenotaph whilst dressed as a homeless man. But it the way I see it, that’s a positive. You have to remember that there were a lot of Commonwealth representatives at that service. It really showed just how far we’ve come as a party that we didn’t have any of them arrested and deported back to bongo bongo land or wherever they were from.”
Rees-Mogg went on, “You have to appreciate that many of our core voters still ask why we allow women rights at all when dogs are superior companions in many ways. At least 7/10 of our membership have immaculately curated SS uniforms in their wardrobe that they wear on a regular basis.”
Tory voter Bill Board told us, “I think I’ll definitely vote for the Tories if they keep this up. They stand for British values such as accepting huge donations from wealthy Russian businessmen that in no way are used to influence policy. Brexit is definitely not in the interests of Russian foreign policy at all.”
When asked about alleged links to wealthy Russian businessmen, Caligula Rees-Mogg said, “Sorry I’ve got to go. One of our candidates has just been photographed saving thousands of woodlice from a burning cross. You know the sort of fuss The Guardian will make of that. Got to get there first and put our own side of the story over.”
It’s understood that Caligula Rees-Mogg will be announcing his resignation tomorrow after seeming to dismiss a rape allegation against a Tory candidate as, ‘locker room banter’.