Shortages of thoughts and prayers for the victims of gun violence is said to be reaching crisis point this morning with many dead people in El Paso yet to receive them.

Vital supplies of platitudes are being redirected from California to Texas in an effort to ensure that all dead children get at least one unhappy face emoji from a Republican congressman before this afternoon’s mass shooting.

“Supplies are getting really low. It’s a national crisis and something really needs to be done about it now.” Republican spokesman Pocket O’Gunlobby told The Rochdale Herald.

“We need to urgently get more Americans into churches praying or frankly this could turn from a crisis into a national disgrace.”

“We know that we need somewhere in the region of one thousand thoughts and prayers for people who have been killed by a gun in this country every week and at least double that for maimings.”

“How this government isn’t making provisions to ensure that we’ve got enough meaningless tropes to trot out for murdered kids and babies is absolutely disgusting particularly when this has been going for about 50 years .”

“It’s time they got their act together.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.