Hamelin Town Hall has announced today that they have struck a deal with Anna Soubry to end their problems with flocks of Gammons in the beleaguered town. The deal, of which neither side will disclose any details of value, will see Anna stand in the Town Square and pipe up about giving everyone another vote on Brexit until she has attracted all the Gammons in the near vicinity. She will then lead them out of the town.

In a statement the Town Clerk described how the town has been besieged for the past few years with red-faced Gammons who crawled out from wherever they had been hiding and refused to go back. Since then the local residents have been beset with issues such as families with a foreign sounding names having dog poo pushed through their letterbox, the local taxi driver who was born in the town, Sajid, being spat at and having his tyres slashed and near endless gatherings of 30-40 or so Gammons marching to bakeries and then refusing to buy sausage rolls due to some perceived threat from vegans or some such nonsense. The residents are frankly fed up with it and the Town Council were stumped with how to deal with it.

In his statement, the Town Clerk confirmed the plan; “We noticed that certain people, Anna being one of them, who interpret democracy as being a system in which people are given the opportunity to engage and determine the future course of that Nation seem to attract these Gammons in great numbers. The Gammons then display a strange behaviour where they then stick to them like flies on shit or until the poor sod manages to escape into a building where the risk of encountering someone articulate with an argument not in favour of their rhetoric is too great for the Gammons to proceed any further. We have agreed to pay Anna to come to Hamelin, attract all the Gammons and then lead them out of the town. Whilst we know that they would no doubt follow her to the ends of the World, we are suggesting that a long walk on a short pier will suffice. To be honest, we don’t care how she does it but as long as she completes the task, we’ll pay up. We’re good for it, but probably best if you don’t point out our record on these matters to her.”

When questioned about the deal, Ms Soubry confirmed that she had accepted the job. “Yes, I will happily help Hamelin be rid of its Gammons but mark my words; If they don’t pony up, it will be an ideal opportunity to remind people that whilst I may be a Champion of the Remainers for the moment, I’m a Tory at heart. I will be back for their children…”