POTATUS has announced that if all the trees in California were cut down then there would be no forest fires.

POTATUS got the idea after discovering that there are no forest fires in Antartica. In a press conference he said, “I spoke to the President of Antartica and he said that they never have forest fires. They just have no tress so the forest fires don’t happen. This is what we should do here. Cut the forests down. It’s not like they do anything anyway.”

One spokesman told us, “I have no idea who he thinks is the President of Antartica. We’ve looked through his diary to see who he’s met recently and it just isn’t clear. There was a 3pm meeting with Putin yesterday but POTATUS already knows Putin is the President of the United States.”

The announcement came as POTATUS toured areas, or shit holes as he referred to them, that have been affected by recent forest fires.

One resident of the affected area said, “It’s good to see the President here taking a look on the ground. For a moment I thought there may be some sort of positive action to come out of it all. Then he threw me a wet towel and talked bollocks for 4 hours.”

Another resident who voted for Trump said, “I voted for him but man is he an idiot? He got my name wrong when he came to see me and thinks we used to play squash together. It’s true, never meet your hero’s.”

It’s alleged that Trump will spend today visiting survivors in a hospital where he will give each one a rake and a chain saw in order to fire proof California.

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.