Esther McVey, a former television presenter and now a falling star in Westminster, relishes her career – but admits to no regrets in her personal life

Esther McVey is used to gossip. When she was a television presenter in 1999, a photoshoot that showed a bit of cleavage and a lot of leg set tongues wagging about the new blonde on the GMTV sofa. Her relationship with BBC producer Mal Young made the cover of Hello! and, according to rumours in 2007, the then shadow culture minister Ed Vaizey would propose to her every two weeks.

But none of that prepared the nation for the suggestion she might have an alleged affair allegedly with Iain Duncan Smith.

“Do not underestimate the determination of a quiet man to leave you unable to be quiet,” allegedly sighed McVey allegedly.

Allegedly, the two would sit up at night in a reasonably priced hotel and work out fresh new ways to fuck the poor, before allegedly fucking each other allegedly.

One of their favourite tricks, allegedly, was for McVey to allegedly drape her blonde locks across IDS’s head and say, “look it’s Michael Fabricant!”

“It makes total sense for the country to cut back on welfare.  Sure, it would make us a harder, less joyful, less compassionate society, but we’d be more efficient,” they’d agree, allegedly, before allegedly settling down to a hard, efficient fuck, devoid of joy or compassion.

Rumours are that McVey has timed her resignation perfectly to secure a Panto role as Wicked Witch of the West.

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Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?