A man who was filmed saying racist things to a black grandma on a Ryanair flight this week has said that calling her a “Black Bastard” was actually a term of endearment where he comes from.

David Mesher appeared on whatever garbage programme passes for news on ITV these days to argue that despite acting and sounding like a racist he is in fact not racist and the language he was using was actually endearing. He said, “I’m not a racist person. I have a black lawyer for a start and last night I had rice for my tea. Would a racist do that?”

“I was merely greeting the lady in a friendly manner that I thought would endear me to the lady. Anyway, gangster rappers call each other n****** all the time and that bloke’s dog on The Dambusters was called it so why can’t I call people Black Bastards?”

Mr Mesh went on, “I like black people you can ask anyone. When I was 8 I had the biggest collection of gollywogs in my school. If I hated black people why would I have had that if I hated black people?”

“Where I’m from Black Bastard is a term of endearment. Much how I refer to my wife as Untermensch.”

As the interview went on Mr Mesh revealed that it’s not just black people he hates. “If I was racist I would just pick on the blacks. But to be honest, I hate Polish people and they’re white. Women should also be kept under the stairs with the family dog. I don’t see how you can just say I’m racist when I hate everyone.”

Ryanair for their part have denied brushing the issue under the carpet saying that they offered Delsie Gayle a very reasonably priced upgrade to a seat that didn’t come with a free lynching but she refused.

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.