Television celebrity Basil Brush has been forced to reject allegations that he is responsible for the gruesome deaths of over 400 cats across London and the Home Counties.
Earlier today, the Metropolitan Police announced that it was closing its three-year investigation into dozens of apparent cases of feline mutilation, claiming that forensic examinations and CCTV enquiries had established that the culprit was most likely a fox.
Images have since been released of what appears to be a dapper-looking fox in a cravat and tweed jacket loitering within the vicinity of one of the crime scenes, leading many to point the finger at Brush, who is known to millions for his sophisticated witticisms and the iconic catchphrase, “Boom boom!”.
“My client would like it to be known that he has not yet been approached by the police but would be more than happy to co-operate with their enquiries if it helps to bring the real killer to justice,” Brush’s agent told reporters this evening.
“He condemns cruelty against animals – even cats – in the strongest possible terms and is confident that he will be able to clear his name if given the opportunity.
“Oh, and – Boom boom!”
Fans of Brush have rallied round him on social media, with many claiming that he is most likely the victim of an international conspiracy.
“This has got Putin written all over it,” said Basil Brush fan club member Sylvia Thomas, 54.
“Everyone knows that the Russians have had it in for Basil since he turned down that regular slot on Russia Today, and Putin has always hated cats after one got into his house and pissed on his collection of original-pressing Barbara Streisand LPs.”
“I’d bet my mortgage that the ‘fox’ in that conveniently-leaked footage is just a meerkat in a shitty fancy dress outfit.”
However, other people have been less supportive, with some claiming that the star’s fall from grace was inevitable.
“Basil Brush is the only 70’s TV star I can think of that’s not been Yew Tree-ed yet, so it was only a matter of time before some skeletons fell out of his closet,” said avid TV-watcher, Donald Strange, 46.
“In this case they were cat-shaped skeletons with their heads and tails missing, which is almost as fucked up as the stuff they’ll probably find in Gordon the Gopher’s Broom Cupboard when he eventually snuffs it.”
Met Commander Amanda Pearson has since released a further statement claiming that the sharp increase in moped-related crime and gang violence over the past five years is entirely the fault of urban badgers.
