The unjust plastic straw ban threatens the American way of life, but citizens are finding an innovative way to beat the ban.  

Consuming tens of thousands of calories a day is as American as a lynch mob or drone strikes on primary schools, but it’s hard to do if you only eat solid food, say experts.

With many cities across the US introducing bans on plastic straws many Americans are worried that their weight might drop as low as thirty five stone unless an alternative method to gorge down hollow calories is identified soon.

In Rochdale Texas locals have come up with an innovative solution to avoid dying of starvation.

“They may have taken our plastic straws from our cold dead hands but we’ve still got our AR-15 assault rifles.” Randy Clinton told The Rochdale Herald.

“You can drink a bucket of Coca Cola through an AR-15 by sucking on the stock, they make a perfectly serviceable replacement straw and the good thing is that literally everybody in Texas over the age of three has access to one.”

McDonald’s in many parts of Texas has replaced the straw dispensers in their restaurants with AR-15 dispensers in case customers forget to bring their own.