Donald Trump has taken time out of his busy schedule to tell reporters that he is thrilled that the people of Belfast have held a march in his honour today.
Speaking to the press Trump said, “There’s all this fake news about the people of Britain not liking me. But look at Belfast. Those guys have had a march for me and are having a bonfire in my honour.
Did Obama get his own order?
Is there a Black Muslim order in Northern Ireland?
There’s this whole season of marching that they do in my honour because the Irish like me and not Obama.”
Mr Trump went on to say, “There’s something about the Orange Order I admire. They stand up for their own values and their deep patriotism. Lots of people told me the English aren’t allowed to be patriotic but I say to them to look at the Orange Order. America could learn a lot from the Orange Orders patriotism.”
One person close to Trump said, “You’ll have to excuse Trump. He thinks the Orange Order is an order set up entirely in his honour. He doesn’t read very often.”
Later on Trump told the assembled press that he’s looking forward to grabbing Arlene Foster by the pussy when he’s introduced to her later tonight. One Government insider said, “Watching that will make this whole thing worth it. He’s convinced she was in The Corrs.”
Elsewhere Nigel Farage is planning on eating a microwave meal for one in front of Dr Zhivago following Trump’s refusal to meet him. He told us, “Theresa won’t relax her red lines on me meeting him. They don’t want to see two successful people together.”
But our US Government insider told us, “They’re both under investigation by the FBI for collusion with Russia. Have you never watched an episode of The Soprano’s? The last thing we need is them meeting together in public. Instead, it will be better if they happen to meet in the Hampstead branch of B&Q.”
It’s understood that Trump is due to spend the weekend preparing for his meeting with President Putin in Helsinki on Monday. It will be the first time Trump has met the President of the United States.