Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and David Davis have won half a speedboat at the Conservative Party away day at Chequers today. The trio were awarded their prize by Theresa May after they won the party blindfold game.

The win was controversial with one source saying, “Boris pretended he’d gone blind last night so didn’t need a blind fold. It was total rubbish. Everyone knew he hadn’t because the RSPCA turned up and confiscated his guide dog. It turned out he’d stolen it from a woman in Streatham.”

A waiter that The Rochdale Herald gave fifty quid to told us, “Angela Merkel had flown over from Germany especially to wheel the prize out. And for some reason, Midnight in Moscow was playing as she wheeled it out.”

A Government insider said, “It wasn’t really a good prize for them. Firstly, the hull of the boat was missing so it’ll sink the first time they use it. Secondly, they’ve got to work out how to split it three ways. They also had arranged yesterday evening, to share half of it with Jacob Rees-Mogg.”

It’s understood that the trio had been under the impression they were getting a yacht like one of the ones Roman Abramovich owns.

A foreign office insider said, “Boris has been planning what he’s going to do with his share of the boat for months now. I keep seeing him looking at mooring fees in Monte Carlo and the Bahamas. He’ll not be happy with this. He’ll struggle to get it on Camden Lock.”

 

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.