A Kickstarter campaign to buy Bono a £15,000 Rolex watch has been hailed as an astounding success by the man who started.

Bill Board told us, “I didn’t think it would work. I wanted to raise £15,000 so expected it would take several weeks as a hopeful guess. But it took less than 24 hours to raise that much. I’ve just been down to my local watch dealer and found the perfect Rolex. It’s massive and flashy and says Rolex in huge writing in diamond. Any moped theif worth his salt will be able to see what it is then mug Bono.”

The campaign saw Mr Board offer backers a series of services depending on how much they pledged for the watch. “£15 was enough that I would come round to your house and delete any U2 song from your Spotify play list. £30 saw me delete any U2 music from any family members play lists. For £200 I hired a Bono lookalike that people could beat to a bloody pulp with a bat for 10 minutes. That was surprisingly successful. In fact, the local look-a-like agency have started refusing to do business with me as we’ve gone through so many Bono’s.”

Bono was unavailable for comment but somebody who once served U2 at a Wimpy in 1988 said to us, “It’s great that Bono has fans like these. I’m sure he’ll appreciate the sentiment behind the gift and respond in kind by writing a song about it.”

Mr Board said he now intends to start raising money to buy the entire cast of Mrs Brown’s Boys Rolex watches.

 

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.