In an official statement released within the last few minutes, the Home office has apologised ‘unreservedly’ for deporting ‘the wrong sort of brown people’.
The apology comes in the wake of the ongoing Windrush scandal, which has seen scores of Commonwealth migrants threatened with deportation, sacked from their jobs and denied medical treatment despite living legally in the UK for decades.
“We would like to take this opportunity to say sorry to all of those brown people who have been affected by our current immigration policy,” said a Government spokesman.
“We now know that it should only have been used to target the sort of bad brown people you read about in the Daily Mail, like Muslims, child refugees, and people from Bongo Bongo Land.
“Good brown people should have nothing to fear.”
When asked to clarify what he meant by ‘good brown people’ the spokesman hesitated, before mumbling something about Lenny Henry, Floella Benjamin and ‘that guy who played Ali G’.
Under the condition of anonymity, one Home Office official told the Herald that the Government’s recent approach to ‘out of control’ immigration was heavily influenced by a cabinet meeting held by Rupert Murdoch in 2011.
“Now I’m not saying for certain that the phrase ‘Let’s blame it all on the darkies’ came up at any point, but there was definitely a suggestion that a more ‘tabloid-friendly’ approach to our immigration policy would distract the ‘idiot on the street’ from the fact that the cabinet was a bunch of rich, white, over-privileged opportunists desperate to tear the country apart for their own personal gain.
“Of course, Theresa May, who at that stage was in danger being remembered as the most incompetent Home Secretary of all time, embraced this idea with open arms and, well, here we are.”
Meantime, the Home Office has released official guidance to people who fear that they may be targeted for deportation. The leaflet, which is to be distributed later today, includes a list of Do’s and Don’ts, such as:
– DO put on a British accent, perhaps by copying somebody from a popular TV show, like EastEnders or Mrs. Brown’s Boys;
– DO try to make yourself appear more British, perhaps by always looking miserable or by wearing a much, much lighter foundation;
– DO try to blend in by using phrases popular with the British people, such as ‘Brexit means Brexit’, ‘That Corbyn’s a commie traitor’, and ‘I’m not a racist but…’;
– DON’T eat foods that contain more than two flavours. As a general rule, if it’s spicier than HP Sauce, it’s probably not British.
The Prime Minister has yet to publicly address the growing scandal, though according to Downing Street she will hold a press conference once Paul Dacre has told her what her official position is.