Fears were increasing today for an intrepid, brave, noble man who has been missing in Ikea for 14 days.
Steve Dickinson from Dukinfield was last seen descending the escalator at Ashton-Under-Lyne Ikea a fortnight ago after being ordered by his callous wife Linda to collect various items, including a plant stand, dried potpourri, 5 23×23 cm picture frames & missing wooden screws from a previously purchased chest of draws.
The alarm was raised when failed to show up to collect his pre order of meatballs when he was scheduled to leave the store.
The family had earlier been boosted as Ikea shift workers reported sightings of a ‘disheveled, feral man’ scurrying between pallets of flat pack wardrobes in the warehouse, but was frightened away when their eyes met. Heading up the mission, GMP Inspector Gary Barry urged all men to take precautions.
‘We’ve been urging all men for sometime not to enter Ikea without a wife, girlfriend or registered Sherpa to show them the way. Possibly an Aunt or Grandma if you cannot access one of these options. I once went in there myself, and was lost in a laybyrinth of ready to assemble furniture & pop up bathrooms, every floor leading to another one – to my horror it just kept going.
‘It took me at least 16 hours to get out, and thankfully I’m here to tell the tale. Do’nt be a hero – be prepared.’
Although GMP had confirmed they were requesting the further resources required to breach the interior, Linda was not as sympathetic, lambasting her ‘gormless’ husband’s predictable absence.
‘He does this all the bloody time, even our first date ended up with him getting lost in the lingerie department of Stockport Marks & Spencers. He’s probably still in there looking for that bloody plant stand, but he’s so pigheaded, he won’t admit he doesn’t actually know what it is, let alone where to find it.
‘He’ll be back in time for the Utd game, just you watch.’