Disappointed with the complete undervaluing of his sentence, disgraced former Hedge Fund Manager Martin Shkreli has insisted his prison sentence up by 5000% up to a staggering total of 357 years.
Formerly known as the “Most Hated Man in America”, Shkreli was furious with the insultingly low sentence handed down to him for his conviction on Securities fraud.
“This was a truly special fraud” he spat at the Judge cockily, “Only a shit brained idiot like you would think it’s only worth 7 fucking years.
“I also want to make clear that I am not a child,” he said. “I’m about to turn 35 years old, I’m a man. I’m not a teenager who just needs some mentoring. I am a man who needs to take responsibility for his actions. So give me a fucking sentence that reflects that.”
Continuing his rant at the Judge the face of Corporate Greed in America ranted “Everybody’s doing it. In capitalism, you try to get the highest sentence you can for a crime.”
Smiling with delight the Judge got out a massive Timmy Mallet style hammer reserved for only the most enjoyable handing-downs and began furiously banging it while shouting with great delight “357 years Mr Shkreli, 357 years!”, before quietly adding, “I’m having that Wu-tang album and no mistake”.
Shkreli’s memoire “Diary of a greedy twat” will be available later this year priced $17,999.
