President of the actually terrific US, Donald Trump, is to reward his own bravery with a special medal, the Purple Cheeseburger, after his courage in going into a school shooting situation unarmed had he been there.
At a hushed but shocked press conference, POTATUS said “In view of the things I would have done had I been there it’s only right that I be awarded with medals and shit.”
The 71 year old orange President rambled “Chernobyl was a bad thing, I deal with the baddest things every day and I would have gone in without any protective suit and I would have used a hot air balloon to rescue Matt Damon from Mars.”
He continued “If I had time I would go to Britain, England, and clear their snow wearing only shorts and a golf hat and probably get their highest accolade, a Blue Peter badge.”
Reports that French President Emmanuel Macron is going to present Trump with the Legion D’Honeur for his part in the execution of Louis XVI had he been there have been strenuously denied by Foreign Minister Jean-Yves Le Drian.
At least they would have been if he had been there.