Not content with generally ruining your life, kids on snow days are one whinge away from being buried under that patio.

Parent and washed out husk of a human being Nigel Colinson, has two kids stuck at home today.

“It’s unbearable, they were excited to be off school at first, but then the boredom set in and now I have to take Prozac just to dull out the noise” Nigel told The Rochdale Herald.

“The little know it alls are so boring and I’m having to stay here, shut away from other adults and any conversation that doesn’t start with ‘Daddy, did you know….’ or ‘Daddy, can I have…’. My wife managed to escape before I could stop her. And now I’m sad.”

Workplaces all over the country have reported employees calling in, begging for help. The cold snap has seen a huge increase in usually workshy slatterns desperate for an urgent phone call about that meeting they have to be there for. You know, the one with the Japanese investors that they just can’t miss.

Child psychologist from Rochdale Community Hospital, Dr Perry Cox told the Herald, “The problem with children is that they are generally unbearable. Yes sure, you may have odd moments where they are cute, or thoughtful. But it’s mainly an endless slog of unpleasantness, worry and feeling like an indentured servant.”

However she did add that we shouldn’t worry as “they’re just making memories for you to keep you going through the teenage years when they hate you.”