Consumers concerned with the rising price of alcohol in the UK received a welcome boost today, as it was confirmed all boozers in the capital will offer a free kick in the knackers with every pint from 2019.
The initiative was trialled at Hoxton’s trendy bar and faux speak easy ‘Shed’ – famous for serving it’s astronomically priced bar snacks in plant pots with trowels for cutlery, and cocktails from an actual watering can, for crying out loud, with landlord Robin B’stard confirming it was a resounding success.
“I came up with the idea when I served one of our many customers a pint of imported 120 day aged North Korean craft ale, which was actually just Skol which I’d left behind the radiator for about a month, and upon requesting payment, he said ‘Christ that’s a kick in the clappers!” explained B’stard, fiendishly tweaking his perfectly trimmed handlebar moustache.
“So I thought to myself ‘Hey, instead of a metaphorical one, how about an actual physical kick in the goolies?!’ Needless to say it was a real Eureka moment, and we’ve not looked back since, customers absolutely love it!”
Mayor Siddiq Khan, who was busy tackling the environmental evils of outdated woodburners while simultaneously announcing a 15th runway for Heathrow, confirmed the plans would be rolled out across the capital in 2019.
“We appreciate that times are tough for many in the our city, with a cup of tea costing the same as a months rent in some parts of the country, so we’re delighted to be able offer consumers value for money.”
Khan confirmed crafty consumers will be able to choose between a wingtip or Doc Martens for the testicular twatting, while also acknowledging that gender equality was an issue to still be tackled, with a trial for female customers, who will receive a softer stilletto kick and those identifying as gender neutral people having the option of either, to be trialled from 2022.
