Actual real-life President of the United States Donald Trump told a press conference earlier today that if it wasn’t for the debilitating bone spurs in his heels he would have personally prevented the massacre at a Florida high school last week.

The so-called president said that the shooter was very lucky that his feet had been really, really sore because if they hadn’t been he would have stormed the building all on his own and “taken the shooter down.”

Earlier in the day he had disparaged an armed first responder, a sheriff’s deputy, who hadn’t entered the building and shot a mentally ill child.

A spokestwit for the White House told The Rochdale Herald: “It’s our understanding that the cowardly sheriff’s deputy had absolutely no excuse to not run into a building on his own and engage an unknown number of heavily armed active shooters without back up.”

“As far as we are aware the deputy didn’t even have sore feet, which as we all know is the ONLY acceptable reason to not join a gunfight.”

Following the announcement many historians have speculated that the Vietnam War would have turned out very differently had Donald Trump been able to join the military and fight for his country.

“If only Donald had been well enough to join the army when the draft came calling the Vietnam War would have turned out very differently.”

“It’s a miracle really that he’s able to play as much golf as he does, what with the bone spurs completely preventing him from being able to walk and all.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.