Children across the United States of America were very excited to learn this morning that it’s now officially only 350 school shootings until Christmas.

With it being February, it’s not remotely close to that time of year again where sleigh bells ring and we cut down thousands of trees in the guise of celebration.

However, if the calculations are correct, around 4,900 American children this year won’t have to get over-excited at receiving shit piles of plastic from a mythical fat git. Those lucky kids will be too busy fighting for their lives in school halls and hiding under their desks in classrooms.

Our American correspondent caught up with NRA spokeswoman, Joan Wayne and put these statistics to her.

“Well we had it at nearer 500, but that’s based on a successful campaign to get all the teachers armed by June.

“I just can’t see any better way of stopping these sick American lone wolves – or in some cases, mentally unstable white men – buying some guns and walking into a school and shooting.

“We need to stop them once they’re in the school and have opened fire. It’s the only way. I’m sorry, if there’s a better idea than that out there, then you can shoot me!”

Apparently, our reporter was then thrown out of the press conference for asking people to form an orderly queue behind the nearest gun-sight.

There has been a school shooting in America every 60 hours in 2018. That’s 18 for only 22 school days. Come on guys. Make America at least average again.