Michael Gove has confirmed that he will be spending New Year Eve at home for quiet night in with his eggs.

The environment secretary has told The Rochdale Herald that he is planning on eating a simple meal of live mice and then coiling up under a sun lamp with his eggs for a couple of hours.

“I’m planning a quiet one. I’m going to stay in, watch some wildlife documentaries, constrict a couple of small rodents and then coil up somewhere warm and try to get some heat back into my blood.”

“It’s been cold the last few days, what with all the snow. My metabolism is pretty slow at the best of times. So a few hours to recharge my batteries somewhere warm is just what this old snake needs.”

“In the wild I’d hibernate for the whole winter so any opportunity to slither back, unwind and relax is very welcome.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.