The children of hippies have been telling the Herald about how they’ve been preparing for receiving disappointing advent calendars.
8 year old Freedom Snowphish said, “Last year they got me a carob calendar. It was rubbish. All my friends were saying how they’d had milk chocolate already at 8 am and I had carob. 2 years ago I ate a clod of dirt. There was more flavour in that than carob.
Not this year though. I’ve been hiding chocolate every chance I get. I’ll walk downstairs, eat the stupid carob then run back upstairs and eat a Twix.”
10 year old Doobie Dancer said, “One year granny bought me a Nestlé calendar. Mum and Dad went mad and threw it in the bin. They said that Nestlé are evil and they wouldn’t have their products in the house. It’s strange because my dad likes getting off his face on cocaine that I’m sure doesn’t come from a fair trade drug cartel. So this year I’ve hoarded 56 Kitkats and I’m going to eat every one of them.”
7 year old Serendipity Mae said, “My parents refuse to get me a chocolate advent calendar because sugar just fuels obesity. On mine you open the door and there’s a picture behind it. I wouldn’t mind but it’s a non-denominational calendar. Last year, December the first was a giraffe. They don’t have those in the Middle East. It’s so stupid.”
12 year old India Journey said, “I’ve had enough of these stupid calendars. I’m almost 13. I’m going to get pregnant to Wayne down the road on my 14th birthday and make my living selling biftas. We’ll see how giving the money they’d have spent on presents to a random village in Africa was a good idea when my mum’s a gran at 40.”
The Herald would just like to remind any children of hippy parents that they’re not alone. Imagine how disappointed Julian Assange is going to be when he opens the bag of golf clubs his parents have bought him for Christmas.
