The Autumn Budget 2017 announced changes to Universal Credit, merging the government’s flagship benefits payment scheme with short-term high-cost credit provider Wonga.

Mr B.Starde a spokesman for Wonga said: “It’s a marvellous merging of ideas. At Wonga, we rely on the desperate and those poor wretches having to stick out the six weeks waiting period for benefits are as desperate as they come. Thanks to this new scheme, we don’t even have to wait until parents and their starving brats can’t even afford bus fare to the food bank, they have to use us.”

The old Universal Credit system came under heavy fire from the opposition government and service users, as a four to six week waiting period meant benefits were paid in arrears, causing landlords to deny renting out to recipient’s and further rent and payment arrears for those receiving benefits.

Instead of the old 4 week waiting system, those making a new application to Universal Credit are now able to access a full month’s advance payment within five minutes of making a claim; advance payment claims are made via the Wonga App.

Repayments of this advance will be over 12 months rather than the current six at the bargain rate of 1509%APR.

Stacy Mackenzie of Norden recently lost her job and was worried a delay to her Universal Credit would mean she would go into arrears with her mortgage and bills:

“It good I suppose. I was made redundant due to health issues last month, so I applied to Wonga Universal Credit and was able to get 500 quid the same day. I was able to pay my mortgage on time; shame they’ll repossess my house to cover the seven grand worth of interest.”

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.