Buckingham Palace has today confirmed that Pippa Middleton’s buttocks will be brought out of storage for the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle next year.
Designated a national treasure following the wedding of her sister, Catherine, to Prince William in 2011, the bottom is currently kept on display alongside the Crown Jewels within the Jewel House at the Tower of London. Stored within a hermetically-sealed, bulletproof glass case, the pert deriere attracts over two million visitors a year, many of whom comment on its unparalleled symmetry and tendency to ‘follow you around the room’.
“We are delighted to announce that Pippa’s iconic bottom will be once again play a leading role at a Royal wedding,” said a Palace spokesman.
“We can confirm that both buttocks will be restored to their full glory by the beginning of next year, when they will be reinstalled at the top of Pippa’s legs and hopefully wrapped in something figure-hugging and slightly see-through.”
Crown Jeweller, Sebastian Christian-Smyth, told the Herald that keeping the bottom in pristine condition had been one of the highlights of his career, involving a strict regime of massaging, cleaning, massaging, polishing and massaging.
“It has been a great honour to have had responsibility for maintaining Ms. Middleton’s bottom over the past six years, and I have taken immense pleasure from keeping it in a condition befitting of its semi-Royal status,” he said.
“Whilst many people would say that it lacks the lustre of the Great Star of Africa or the historical majesty of St. Edward’s Crown, it is undoubtedly a national treasure and one that I will miss rubbing baby oil into every night after the Yeoman Warders have locked up and everyone’s gone home.”
The news has received a warm reception from the general public, though some expressed concerns about the colour of the other bottoms that will be in attendance on the day.
“There’s nothing more patriotic than a good firm set of buttocks,” said Daily Mail reader, George Simpleton, 56.
“However, the traditional British bottom should be of good character, round but not overly curvy, and so white and pastey that on a clear day it can be spotted from over five miles away,” he told our reporter.
“Now I’m not saying that bottoms can’t be other colours, and I mean no disrespect to the bottom that will be joining the Royal family next year, which I’m sure is lovely, I just think that the face of Princess Diana’s youngest son should only ever be sat on by buttocks whiter than the doves they released at her funeral.”
Pippa Middleton was unavailable for comment, though her publicist confirmed that the prosthetic buttocks she has been wearing since 2011 will be auctioned off for charity, with the proceeds going towards a campaign encouraging people with saggy arses not to wear leggings.