Men across the globe will celebrate International Men’s Day today by being completely oblivious to the fact that it’s International Men’s Day.
The annual event, which seeks to promote positive role models, gender equality and men’s health, will pass by most of the planet’s 3.4 billion men, many of whom spent International Women’s Day whining like little children and demanding to know if there was a male equivalent.
“Really? Today? It’s about bloody time!” said testicle-owner George Wilson, 42, apparently unaware that it’s been celebrated since 1992.
“Women have been given everything over the years – the right to vote, the right to stand as MPs, the right to be priests, the right to fight on the front line, equal pay, orgasms, the list goes on and on. Even the bloody Saudis caved in recently and gave them the right to drive.
“What have men been given? Fuck all, that’s what! We’ve just had to make do with having most of those things already. How’s that fair?”
Penis-bearer Mark Thompson, 35, was also delighted by the news, and expressed a desire to see more men praised for the important contribution that they make to family life.
“I let my wife do about 80% of the housework, and I also let her sacrifice her career to look after the kids, so it’s only fair that I get some sort of special recognition,” he said.
“Does this mean that I’ll get a blowjob later?”
Events are being held across the UK to mark the occasion, many of them focusing on subjects that men are often too embarrassed to talk about. Event organiser Simon Faraday, 28, told the Herald that his stall on Rochdale High Street would be handing out leaflets on a range of serious issues.
“Many men are reluctant to discuss the more private aspects of their lives, which can often lead to conflict in their relationships,” he said.
“That’s why this year we’ll be handing out leaflets on mental health, paternal anxiety, and work-related stress.
“I’ll also be giving a talk on the safest ways to browse the internet without your wife finding out that you’re a massive pervert, so that you don’t have to spend another night sleeping in the car with bits of keyboard embedded in your face.”
Meanwhile, most of the men who did know that it was International Men’s Day have spent the entire time complaining that it feels just like every other day, without the slightest hint of irony.