The National Rifle Association has today put out a statement claiming that fewer African elephants would fall victim to big game hunters if they were allowed to carry guns.
The statement was released in the wake of Donald Trump’s controversial decision to reverse a ban on the import of legally-hunted elephant trophies into the United States, a decision he has since pussied out on in the face of global condemnation.
“Elephant numbers have dropped by over 30% in the last ten years, and throughout that time not one African country has introduced laws allowing elephants to carry firearms,” said NRA spokesman, Hank Winchester.
“Some people might call that a coincidence but I think we all know that if more of those elephants had been armed, there’d be fewer photos of rich white people posing over their carcasses.”
Winchester went on to explain that as well as relaxing gun laws, more should be done to teach elephants what to do in the event of a shooting.
“Here in the United States, if you don’t want to get shot at we recommend that you avoid areas where shootings are most likely to take place – gang areas, deprived neighbourhoods, high schools, elementary schools, churches, shopping malls, college campuses, movie theatres, restaurants, office buildings, tourist attractions, nightclubs, music festivals, public streets, your own homes and so on.
“I don’t think any of those places exist in the African wilderness so elephants should actually be pretty safe, though you can never rule out the possibility that somebody with mental health problems could get hold of a rifle and do something silly whilst on safari.
“In those cases, all we can do is send out our thoughts and prayers to any elephants that are killed or injured.”
However, African bush elephant George Tembo, 40, told the Herald that guns weren’t the issue.
“Guns don’t kill elephants, people kill elephants,” he said. “Specifically, very rich people with very tiny penises. How much of an mkundo do you have to be to want an elephant’s head hanging on your wall?
“You think that a pair of massive tusks and a long trunk is going to distract from the fact that you’re hung like a bushbaby?
“Besides, look at my feet, how the hell am I supposed to hold a gun? What are you going to do, strap a couple of miniguns to my tusks?
“Actually, that would be pretty cool. Can we do that? I might have to book a trip to the United States.”
Meanwhile, the White House has denied claims that President Trump decided to leave the import ban in place after somebody on Twitter managed to persuade him that all elephants were Muslim.