President Baxter of the Dogs has today issued an ultimatum and warning to his Cat counterpart, Beloved Leader Felix, over the rising tension in back yards across the globe.

“What Mr Felix fails to recognise is that because we are in a time of relative peace and contentment, with snacks for all and a couchseat for every single dog (no pup left behind), dogs globally are not looking for a fight – this isn’t the right time to be doing this, but here we are – there has been far too much sleeping on the fence and shitting in our yards of late, and dogs aren’t going to stand for this ridiculous posturing any longer.”

Responding a short while ago, Leader Felix released a press statement read by a kitten in a tiny, cute little hat, which said the following:

“Baxter needs to chill out a bit – for too long, the dogs have acted like THEY were the only ones with the Owner-given right to shit where they like, or sleep on a human thing. We CAN co-exist, but if the dogs choose not to? Well…

“Cats are every bit the equal of stumbly, bumbly old dogs, and dogs will just have to get used to it – so quit your barking and join us in the now. It’s 2017 for meowing out loud.”

Obviously, it would be grossly unprofessional for this reporter to make any kind of partisan comment on this situation, but speaking as a proud male squirrel?

Both these guys are assholes.