Unconfirmed reports are coming in from Rochdale that a three year old child sat still in contemplative silence for five whole minutes last Tuesday afternoon.

Gemima Atkinson, 3 and a bit, was at home at four thirty in the afternoon on Tuesday when she decided that she could do with a few minutes of contemplative quiet time “to process her thoughts” and “be mindful”.

Witnesses said she sat on the sofa for five whole minutes alone with her thoughts without saying Mummy, Daddy or Why.

“It was right weird” neighbour Dave Rentaghast told The Herald. “You can usually hear the screaming and constant chatter from Gemima from down the bottom of the road.”

“But nothing for five whole minutes from Gemima. It was eerie. You could hear the M62 at the bottom of the garden. I thought I heard birdsong for a minute but then I realised it was just police sirens, gunshots and the dogs at the local fighting pit.”

“I had to go and knock on the door just to check that they were all okay. The little one doesn’t pause for breath. I live three houses down and I can’t hear the radio next to the bed in my bedroom over the racket she makes.”

Her mother, Rosalita Atkinson, was taken aback by the whole incident. “I don’t know where she picked up all this mindfulness carry on. It wasn’t me, that’s for sure.”

“Scared me to death though. I was in the kitchen and I asked her to shut up because I thought my head was going to melt. And she did. It was really weird. All I could hear was the motorway, the ringing in my ears, the dog fighting place down the road, gunshots and police cars.”

“It was nice to get some peace and quiet.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.