Donald Trump’s hair is partly fake, and the fake part is not even human hair, but alpaca, scientists working for NASA’s Astronomical spectroscopy division announced Friday.
The scientists, who normally analyse light emitted by distant stars, reported that they had tested new highly sensitive equipment on TV images of President Trump declaiming against CNN and other “fake news” media outlets and had made some staggering discoveries.
“Firstly we noticed that the hair gave off two very different and distinct spectra, proving conclusively that he wears a toupee,” said NASA spokesman Vidal Nassoon.
“Then when we compared the spectra with other known fibres we got a clear match for alpaca, the lustrous silky wool from the south American cameloid of the same name,” he explained.
The revelation stands to be a major embarrassment for Trump who, despite frequent rumours to the contrary has always claimed that his hair was all his own and that he wasn’t wearing a syrup, packing a rug, cleaving a weave, porting a peruke or living under someone else’s roof down Toupee Avenue.
More seriously though are the questions it raises over his plans to renegotiate the terms of the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) between the US, Canada and Mexico which specifically excludes trade in some products with countries south of the Mexican border.
“Mexican chinchilla herders and ranchers raising Canada’s enormous herds of free ranging long haired caribou are certain to pressure their governments to take action,” warned Hank Postiche, professor of International trade at Rochdale University, explaining that any dispute could easily escalate.
“If not handled carefully spats of this nature can quickly spiral out of control,” he warned explaining that we could see the US banning imports of tacos and re-fried beans and Canada imposing visa restrictions on “Seps” crossing the border to discover if Michael Moore’s conclusion in “Bowling For Columbine” was correct.
“If that happens we could see Trump literally flip his wig, and given the lightness of alpaca, one little gust and there’s no telling where it will end up,” he cautioned.