Football fans across the UK went out of their way this week to prove that their point-missing dim-wittedness was ‘by far the greatest stupidity the world has ever seen’, as they queued up to dismiss professional referee Ryan Atkin’s revelation that he is gay as ‘unimportant’.
In a statement seemingly designed to single-handedly highlight exactly how far the game has to go in its fight against homophobia, Newcastle fan and half-baked twat, Dwayne Cleaner, said, “I dinnae care if he likes a dick up his arse, like, I just dinnae wan’ him tae disallow a reet canny goal because he’s distracted by Kasper Schmeichel’s package. Nah worrah mean, like?”
This sentiment was echoed by self-obsessed wanker and Chelsea fan, Giles Parker-Thornley, who observed, “So what if he’s a puddle-jumper? I’m fed up of them seeking attention, yeah? Like they’re something special. You don’t see merchant bankers or investment bankers or hedge fund managers getting an interview on Sky just because they happen to smoke the pink cigar, do you?”
Depressingly, only one of the supporters interviewed by the Herald seemed to get it.
“What these fucking cretins don’t seem to understand,” said Spurs season ticket holder, Dave Normal, “is that, statistically, there should be around a hundred professional footballers who identify as gay or bisexual. That there are currently a grand total of zero who admit to possessing a sexuality any more exotic than ‘spit-roaster of teenage girls in a motorway Travelodge’, shows that something is deeply wrong within the game. So, yeah, when one person is brave enough to run the gauntlet of homophobic shitewagons to try and drag football into the same decade as the rest of society, it’s kind of a big deal.”
We approached the host of the BBC documentary ‘Hate In The Beautiful Game’, Gareth Thomas, for his views on the reaction of fans. Although he declined to provide an official statement, he was heard, as he walked away shaking his head, to utter the words, “Jesus tittyfucking Christ. I give up.”
