Following Kim Jong Il’s threat to carry out missile strike on US territory, President Trump counters with threat of onslaught by mid-90s kick-ass TV scuffle merchants.

With tensions mounting between North Korea and The US, the situation edged further toward all-out nuclear war this afternoon after Kim Jong Il threatened to carry out a bottle rocket attack against the US military base stationed on the Western Pacific US island territory of Guam.

Never one to let a casual threat get the better of him, the ‘Potty POTUS’, as he has been dubbed by pundits, countered with the menacing prospect of unleashing a bevy of stars from the hit 90s US TV series American Gladiators against North Korea by means of retaliation.

“Mine wrath will be most bigly” he informed an assembled meeting comprising the entire membership of the Boy Scouts Of America and three journalists from The Cartoon Network; “I will unleash Fire, Fury, Blaze, Trouser Snake, Mrs Adams Apple, Outsized Q-Tip Proddy Man, Mudshark, Tofu, Token Ethnic, Plankton, and Onions.”

“And the rest of them as well” he added.

The recent exchanges mark a sharp rise in rhetoric between Washington and Pyongyang, but China has urged calm. A foreign ministry statement quoted by Reuters called on all sides to avoid words or actions which might escalate the situation and to make greater efforts to resolve the issue via talks.

Both sides seem to be taking little heed though; Kim ‘Fat Boy Kim’ Jong Il is reported to have responded with something along the lines of “my superior bottle rockets will lay waste to your big gay military base. Guam is a sh**hole. I’ll be doing you a favour by flattening it. What you gonna do about, gayboys? Har har har!” (although to be fair, our ability to translate North Korean is shaky at best).

Having been told of this, Trump’s response was to threaten to also release the cast of CBS’s 1970s hit family sitcom All In The Family, including Archie and Edith Bunker, and Michael ‘Meathead’ Stivic.

“Pyongnang?” He told a bemused crowd of Boy Scouts. “What kind of crappy name is that for a capital city? It sounds like bedsprings. When Archie and Meathead have finished with it, it’ll be Pyong-BANG. How do you like them apples, Fatboy?”

Given that the majority of the cast of the 90s American Gladiators are now in their fifties and sixties and are suffering the effects of age and decades of steroid abuse, coupled with the fact that Carol O Connor, who played Archie Bunker in the classic All In The Family series, passed away in 2001, the nuclear apocalypse is set to take place some time in the afternoon on Friday. Production on the new series of American Gladiators has been put on hold indefinitely, at least until radioactive cockroaches have evolved sufficiently to hit each other with pugil sticks.