A new selection process has been announced for assigning judges to trials, taking into account both gender and aesthetics. This move will see all beautiful young women judged in future by ugly middle-aged women, amongst other things.

“Justice is supposed to be blind,” one official, Kenny Believitt, told the Rochdale Herald, “but of course most judges aren’t. And while I wouldn’t call it an everyday occurrence, it does happen that there are cases of beautiful women getting away with murder – in some cases, literally! All because the judges fancied them and let them off even though they were guilty as hell. We have to put an end to this now.”

The move has seen criticism, mainly from beautiful young women. “It’s not fair,” said Ivana Getoff, a 26-year-old swimwear model who is coincidentally awaiting to go on trial for murder. “I don’t want to go to prison, and I absolutely don’t want some fat old cow judging me, I want some middle-aged bloke trapped in an unhappy marriage, who sees me and thinks maybe he can escape his wife . . .”

When asked for comment, Mr Believitt responded, “this is just the sort of thing I’m talking about. Ms Getoff was found by police kneeling over the body, knife in hand, laughing maniacally. Now, she says she wants to be judged by someone who she could flutter her eyelashes at in the hope of being acquitted? Call me cynical, but that doesn’t sound like something an innocent person would say. The innocent have nothing to fear from this move.”

It’s not just women who will be affected by this. The equivalent rule for men will see rippling young Adonises being judged by committed lesbians, again just to avoid the risk of lust-induced leniency.
The rules governing ordinary-looking people’s trials are expected to remain unchanged. Assuming that the new move works, and beautiful people don’t just get off with crimes on account of their looks, the only question left unanswered is what difference this will make in the prison showers.