To help with the deficit, the government will be lowering the age of criminal responsibility to 2. The age of criminal responsibility is currently 10 in England, Wales and Northern Ireland, and 12 in Scotland.
Cecil Smeeg, spokesperson for the home office told us; “we were batting about ideas of how to clear the deficit quickly, now that Terri has told the DUP they can have a shit load of money. Then it came to us – kids. They’re all little bastards and are essentially a burden on public funds. By lowering the age of criminal responsibility to 2, we can make about £9.87bn a year in fines. Currently when you’re in town and a toddler is having a bitch fit, you just have to ignore it. With these new plans, the toddler will be arrested for breech of peace and fined.”
The spokesperson said that they have no plans to imprison children, unless they do murder, and instead plan to punish the child with hefty fines. Cecil said “we’re all in this together, kids are arseholes, why shouldn’t they have to take responsibility for their actions?”.
Not everyone believes this to be a good idea though. We spoke to some users of Netmums, who were very unhappy with the plans. Anna said “I’m very concerned about this. I was called into my sons nursery today. I was told that under the new legislation that he would now face prosecution for biting other children. Yes, he has anger management issues, but he’s four. I just don’t want him getting a record for ABH until he’s at least twelve, like his older brother was when he got his first ASBO. I don’t know how I’ll pay all of these fines, all of my under tens are little cunts”.
But other Netmums members were really pleased with the idea. Another user, who goes by the handle ‘snottymummy1982’ posted “I think it’s a wonderful idea. Some children are just feral. It may force some parents to actually do their job and PARENT. My kids are absolutely perfect, so I have no concerns about this. You’ve got nothing to worry about if you can be bothered to raise your children correctly”.