An entire top shelf of global mass murderers have signalled they plan to emerge from hiding following the announcement by US president Donald trump that he has – complete power to pardon anyone, anywhere, any time.
“We’ve already had a call from someone in Brazil claiming to speak for a Mr Borman, and from a Mr Pot, currently residing deep in the Cambodian jungle as well as approaches from ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and an official from Boko Haram, confirmed newly appointed White House press spokesman “Someone-who-isn’t Sean” Spicer.
The spokesman confirmed that intense interest had been generated by the alleged application from a Mr L Lucan, formerly of Belgravia, more recently believed to be residing in the heart of the Congolese jungle under the name Kurtz.
“We can’t confirm yet if it is Lucan, but we have contacted the relevant authorities in London, and of course Brighton indie band “The Dodgems” who will doubtless be looking to re-release their classic 1978 single Lord Lucan is Missing
The spokesman confirmed that each application will be judged on its own merits without prejudice, in the exact same way President Trump plans to judge both himself and his own family members accused of conspiring with Russia to cheat in last year’s Presidential election.
“President trump firmly believes that justice is an inalienable right and should be available to everyone irrespective of race, colour, creed, religion, or the intelligibility of their late night tweets,” he explained.
Even former UK prime minister David Cameron is reported to be seriously considering approaching Trump on the off-chance that inflicting the four horsemen of the Brexit apocalypse on the unsuspecting British public falls within the newly announced Presidential clemency, he added.
Interest in President Trump’s blanket amnesty appears unlikely to be restricted to long dead Nazis, genocidal maniacs, murderous peers, Islamist butchers and embarrassed former members of the Bullingdon Club.
In an exclusive interview with the Herald’s Satanism supplement, published every 13th month, Lucifer Mephistopheles, Lord of the Underworld confirmed that after an eternity of evil he too was seriously considering taking up Trump’s offer of absolution.
“Frankly leading the unwary into temptation and damning them to the fiery pits of hell for all eternity begins to pall after the first few hundred millennia,” he said explaining that previous offers of salvation had not appealed.
“Bearded hippies turned fishers of men? Seafood, just doesn’t agree with me,” he explained, pointing out that the smell of fish on top of sulphurous bad breath is a real turn off with the ladies.
“Trump though is a steak eater, – a man I can trust. Assuming of course I can manage to get past all the REALLY bad dudes in the white house first,” he laughed.
