Congregation of famously homophobic church disheartened to learn that The Almighty is ‘proper hacked off with being asked the same dumb shit over and over again’.
Topeka, Kansas, and following God’s stunning comeback on Sunday, He has been keeping Himself busy with numerous and simultaneous public appearances, such as the one this morning at SW 12th St’s Westboro Baptist Church.
Church warden Irene Goebbels, 56, told us; “We were very excited when God appeared, naturally. That excitement was marred somewhat by the frankly potty mouthed outburst that followed, as He explained that He’s got nothing against the gays and in fact just gets wound up by people asking Him the same stupid questions over and over and over again.”
” ‘Where in the name of Me did you get the idea that I hate fags?’ he asked me. ‘I never said that. Seriously, where in the bible does it say that? What? Leviticus, you say? I don’t remember saying that’ He continued, pausing to check a copy that was lying around. ‘Ah. Abomination. That’s a misquote, I actually said I was into domination. What is WITH you pissing idiots? You thick cocksuckers can’t even get that right’. He was really quite angry.”
” ‘If you want to know what really boils My fucking piss’ He went on, ‘it’s all these stupid questions people keep asking Me. Always with the same stupid questions. If there is a Me, how come I allow bad things to happen in the world? Why do you think, you fucking fools? You do 90% of the bad shit to each other, I can’t take ANY of the credit for that. Fucking morons.’ I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so wrathful.”
“Now He’s made it abundantly clear that He doesn’t hate fags, I feel a bit silly to be perfectly honest” she told us. “I’m not really sure where to go from here. To be perfectly honest, I’ve always fancied the idea of lesbianism, I might have a crack at it”.
God will be appearing on CBS’s The Late Show With Stephen Colbert tonight at 11.35 pm where he will be talking about His new cookery book, The Polenta Bible.