The boss of a Rochdale mobile phone tech support company, Globally Integrated Mobile Phone Solutions, has been telling the Herald how electric shock therapy is helping recharge his workforce’s batteries.
Oli Chopper-Mystique, GIMPS director of sales. told the Herald how he came up with the idea a few months ago.
“Basically after an hour my employees start to relax a bit too much. This means they’re not giving me their optimum performance. Wanna know why John Terry was able to shag Wayne Bridge’s wife? He relaxed. When you relax you lose. I don’t want a team of Wayne Bridge’s I want a team of John Terrys”.
Chopper-Mystique went on to demonstrate the necklaces he uses to apply the electric current. An employee will typically wear a headset with a necklace attached. Sensors on the employees computer sense when an employee loses concentration. An electric shock will then be applied to bring the employee back into the room.
We were given a demonstration of the system at work.
“Watch Christopher over there. Proper little gayboy. He’s drifted off and is probably thinking about me showering.” Chopper-Mystique then pushed a button on his desk. Christopher fell to the floor.
“See. Rendered catatonic. He’ll be alright. It’s just while the current takes effect. Listen to that purring. That’s the necklaces. The only other things that purr like that are women who’ve been to bed with me.”
“We’re premier league GIMPS here. We don’t accept relegation. I was GIMP of the month 5 times when I was on the sales floor. I won’t accept passengers.
“Christopher clearly isn’t a premier GIMP but with a bit of encouragement he could be champions league.”
