HRH the Duke Of Edinburgh to be decommissioned and scrapped after failing Health and Safety tests.

Sad scenes at Buckingham Palace today as Prince Philip failed to pass the safety tests that are being carried out on all of the country’s buildings and national institutions following the Grenfell incident a few weeks ago. Officially qualifying as a national institution and common asset, the Royal Family are subject to the same rigorous safety testing as communal housing blocks, schools and hospitals, and must each undergo a stringent MOT to assess any risk that they may pose to public safety.

Unfortunately, the cladding that makes up 90% of the Dukes skin was found to be of an inferior and unsuitable quality, and was deemed not fit for purpose. Government inspector Ralgex O’Wankspanner confirmed; “He was in a right old two and eight when we gave him the once over. That’s a clear cut-n-shut job, he’s had some right cowboys doing work on him. Inflammable? He could go up at any minute from just the friction of his dry, leathery skin chafing on itself”.

Originally a member of the House of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg, the Prince has spent some time in hospital recently where he is rumoured to have had the cladding work done, grafting skin from the bodies of juvenile third world orphans onto his own. “Lizards have a habit of sporadically shedding their skin, and the Duke is no exception” unqualified King George VII hospital porter Reg ‘Shifty’ Cockbiro-Icke informed us. “as a shape shifting twelve foot lizard, he needs to feed off the life force of the young in order to maintain his corporeal form. Today’s announcement will come as blessed relief for his victims” he blathered.

Having been declared not fit for purpose, it is expected that the His Royal Highness will be dismantled prior to recycling and the position that he occupied will be turned into a food bank.

Trepidation mounts however regarding the uncertain future of any royals yet to be tested for fire safety; while Her Majesty The Queen is tipped by insider experts as being ‘in good nick for her age’, her little heard of son, Edward, was described recently by gentleman’s magazine Hot Cock Gossip Quarterly as ‘Flaming’.