The life of a Rochdale man has improved immeasurably after he finally ran out of fucks to give.
Office manager James Harding, 38, ran out of fucks last night following the Government’s defeat of a Labour motion to remove the pay cap on public sector workers.
“I think that was definitely the final fuck I had left in the bank,” Harding told our reporter. “You only have so many fucks available and I was giving a fuck about everything – public sector pay, poor people dying in fires, terrorism, twats on Facebook, people leaving teabags in the sink, Brexit etc etc, the list goes on and on.
“But now I just couldn’t give a fuck. Because I can’t. I have no more fucks left. I’m fuck-free. Sans fuck. A fuck-depleted soul afloat in a fuck vacuum. And it feels great!” Harding explained that his fuck deficiency meant that he no longer stressed about the little things in life and felt free to behave in a manner that he would previously have found unacceptable.
“I went to the supermarket this morning and parked my car across not one, but two, disabled bays, just to be closer to the door. And I don’t even drive an Audi,” he told us. “I then pulled a sickie from work and have spent all day sitting about in my pants, playing PlayStation, drinking cheap red wine and eating nothing but Mini Babybels.
“I even got round to asking out the hot girl from next door when she came over to collect a parcel. She told me to fuck off, but guess what? I couldn’t give a fuck!”
However, Harding did warn that not giving a fuck was likely to have a negative impact on his political affiliations.
“Now that I can’t give a fuck, I definitely think the Tories are the party that best reflect my general worldview. “Nurses going to food banks? Couldn’t give a fuck. Child refugees being abused in camps? Couldn’t give a fuck. Disabled people committing suicide because of benefits cuts? No fucks given, my friend. “Jeremy Corbyn on the other hand gives too much of a fuck. He’s handing out fucks like they grow on a magic fuck tree.