Two Rochdale conspiracy theorists have been telling the Herald that they’ve come to the conclusion that nobody is in charge.
The pair, known only as X-file and Opus Dei to protect their identity from Government agents who are trying to kill them said. “We used to think there was a secret cabal that controlled the world but we’ve started to suspect that’s not the case. Look at the USA. Donald Trump? That man could barely conspire to dress himself. Plus, if he was running the world he’d probably tweet it. He’s so inept he’s even had to invent the deep government that make conspiracies up.”
Opus Dei said, “Then you’ve got our Government. Boris Johnson can’t even conspire to use a zip line properly. David Davis would struggle to outwit a chair and a Theresa May can’t organise a general election against a bloke who takes pictures of man holes for fun.”
X-file added,”Big pharma could be hiding the cure for cancer but then you look at it. They spend millions on potential drugs, 99% of which never make it to market. So they’re selling drugs, making money that they plough into loads of drugs they make absolutely no money from. All the while they’re sat on a sure fire cure for cancer. Then they’re paying Doctors and Scientists off. How? Do they send money in the post? Loads of scientists paid off and none of them are bothered about the Nobel Prize and immortality that would come with finding the cure for cancer. Then you think the cure is weed and lemon juice but nobody with access to weed and lemon juice has ever thought they could make a fortune curing cancer rather than selling weed and lemonade.”
Opus Dei said, “There’s the Bilderberg group but they’re so secretive there’s videos all over YouTube and stuff telling you who they are. Ditto the Rothschilds. It’s just so difficult to believe after a while.”
X-file went on, “I believed in the whole chemtrails stuff. Then discovered that the global population is just increasing so that’s obviously not working. Plus, it’s a really inefficient way of killing masses of people by spraying poison from 30,000 feet. And nobody has ever thought to get in a plane and take air samples that would show immediately if the Government were trying to kill us.”
The pair plan to sell the rights to their domain for the Rochdale seekers group and get jobs as interior designers.
