The Chancellor of the Exchequer, Phillip Hammond, has just released a statement confirming that he was uninjured in Thursday’s car crash of an election.
The crash, which political commentators have described as being one of the biggest they’ve ever witnessed, is believed to be the result of poor judgement by the driver of the election, Prime Minister Theresa May.
“May should never have tried to get behind the wheel in the first place,” said one senior civil servant. “She was over-fueled with hubris and it’s safe to say her suspension was far from strong and stable.”
Hammond’s seat appears to have survived largely unscathed, however, his cabinet post may have to be removed if May is told that she’s no longer fit to drive.
Meanwhile, a spokesperson for Jeremy Corbyn said that he had been surprised by the size of the crash but did not try to hide the fact that he found it fucking hilarious.
“Jeremy just stood there gloating like a tosser and making politically incorrect comments about the size of May’s shrunken majority,” said the spokesperson. “Classic Jeremy banter.”
A preliminary Conservative Party report suggests that the crash may have been caused by a “catastrophic disintegration” of May’s reputation, potentially caused by the overuse of hackneyed slogans and insincere platitudes.