Theresa May will relaunch her election campaign today with a classic bit of fighting kit. A trebuchet nicknamed ‘Warwolf”.

The trebuchet, effectively a giant catapult, was one of the famous workhorses of political campaigning before the formation of the European Union.

May’s campaign has haemorrhaged support in the last week as a result of her stated desire to make the dying homeless as soon as they die. Oh, and to starve children. With those policies it’s no surprise she’s turned to medieval warfare for inspiration.

The standard secrecy around her movements maintains. It’s not clear where she will unleash the trebuchet first. If you hear giant, wooden wheels creaking through your town, we advise you to duck and cover.

It is presumed she will use it to launch a spray of steaming hot denigration against Jeremy Corbyn initially, before a team of serfs drag the machine to its next target.

A campaign insider, speaking on condition of anonymity, gave the Rochdale Herald the following insight.

“I’ve been promoted three times in the last week.” The erstwhile intern revealed. “Heads are rolling off shoulders in Con HQ! I’m not really good at secrets. I’ll tell anyone who’ll listen what I know.”

Come on then? Where’s she attacking first?

“She hasn’t decided on her first target. I think she is tempted to attack Jezza. But she might go for Sturgeon. She just does not like her competence bombs. But I am certain where she will end up with the trebuchet and what will be loaded into it.”

What? Where? Please tell.

“She’s going to the outskirts of London at dusk today. She’ll be taking aim at the Midlands.”

And what will she be shooting?

“Oh, that Nick Timothy guy. The shadowy genius with the beard? It’s all his fault, if you ask Theresa. The guy thinks he’s Rapustin. He’s nuts. The dementia tax was his brain explosion.”

Duck and cover Birmingham! One of your sons maybe flying home with terminal velocity.

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