A leaked copy of the Conservative Party’s election manifesto has revealed plans to crackdown on ‘luxury’ items being handed out to those forced to attend at food banks.
The policy is believed to have been formulated after the Work and Pensions Secretary, Damian Green, saw someone leaving a food bank with a bumper pack of Twixes in one of their carrier bags.
“Damian was outraged,” a Tory insider told the Herald. “He wouldn’t have minded if they were single-finger Twixes but the Party didn’t spend years dragging people into poverty so that they could gorge themselves on full-size chocolate bars.”
As well as introducing a ‘Finger Tax’ on multi-finger bars like Kitkats, Twirls and Drifters, the Tories also plan to cap the size of all donated chocolate bars to ‘fun-size’ and place limits on the range of flavours available in crisp multipacks.
“Poor people aren’t supposed to enjoy being poor,” said Tory backbencher, Basil Chumley-Bastard MP. “WE are supposed to enjoy them being poor. That’s what a strong and stable Conservative government is all about. These people are nothing but scroungers.”
When asked if he knew how much a Twix actually cost, Chumley-Bastard told us to check with his secretary.
“I always get her to put them on my expenses, like everything else,” he said.
“By the way, can I have the receipt for that coffee you just bought? I’m getting the leather seats in my Rolls re-upholstered and that sort of thing doesn’t pay for itself!”
