Brussels has warned that Britain will no longer be allowed to use the decimal system following Brexit and will be forced to go back to pounds, shillings and pence and the imperial measurement system.

It will be compulsory for land to be measured in rods, poles, perches, chains and furlongs and for medicines to be measured in fluid scruples, said an order issued by the Brexit Punitive Measures Board of the European Union. “It is ridiculous for the UK to expect to get the benefit of the metric system, an idea devised in Europe by a prominent French astronomer and mathematician, after it leaves the European brotherhood. All metric weights and measures will have to be surrendered as part of the Brexit divorce settlement…”, said Rabide Dogge, president of the BPMB(EU).

It is expected that the country will rapidly descend into chaos as shopkeepers melt down, struggling to work out how much change to give from £1 for an article costing 11s 3d.

As a result of the ruling, the treasury will be forced to mint new currency. It is also expected that schools will have to implement compulsory corporal punishment, stocks will reappear on village greens and that pasta will no longer be available in supermarkets.

“That’s just for starters you silly leavers…”, said Dogge, adding, “…go back to the dark ages you twats.”