International media sensation, corpulent bearded sex symbol and father of the year, James Corden is to take the starring role in a planned new film of the life of UKIP leader and by-election failure Paul Nuttall.
Speaking to the Rochdale Herald sister paper, the Hollywood Couchcaster, in Los Angeles, Corden, who currently presents “The Late Late Show with James
Corden” on US TV channel CBS expressed his satisfaction at being chosen to play Nuttall ahead to such Hollywood luminaries as Kiefer Sutherland and Robert De Niro.
“Paul is my one of my absolute heroes. He suffered in complete silence for decades after losing a close personal toenail in the Hillsborough catastrophe and was so pilloried by the media he was forced to quit his post as Archbishop of Canterbury,” he said.
“What he’s been through recently in the Stoke by-election doesn’t bear thinking about, but I will work my hardest make sure that as many people as possible are forced to think about it through blanket media appearances bigging up my own starring role, and general obnoxious, bearded corpulence,” he added.
Commenting to the Herald Nuttall himself confirmed that he was over the moon at the prospect of Cordoe playing him on the silver screen.
“The producers wanted someone who closely resembled me both in physical appearance and character. James was a shoe in,” he said explaining that
he’d been giving Corden “scouse lessons”.
“We done a few of dem carpool karaoke tings singin’ me fave Judy Garland numbers and a kud see ee wuz getting de ang ovit,” said Nuttall explaining that he had had a to make some sartorial concessions to the Hollywood moguls.
Rather than Nuttall’s trademark tweed regalia Corden will instead be clad in a stained shell suit with a bubble perm and toothbrush muzzy in place of Nuttall’s slapped arse of a bald head and flat hat.
“It’s all about identifyin’ me more strongly as a scally hoo made good,” said Nuttall explaining that in any case hand made Harris tweed is bloody
expensive and the budget wouldn’t stretch to enough of the stuff to stretch round Corden.
“It’s aarayt for me on me EEEYOOO sallary an expenses larrrk, but disizza film wida proper budget layk, an eez fokkin yoooj” he said.
Nuttall explained that he had applied to the European Commission for a special budget for producing a one and a half hour video explaining the role the European Union plays in furthering the democratic rights of racial minorities to be overdubbed in 15 south Asian and east European languages,
which he planned to pass on to the producers of his biopic, but that his application had been rejected.
“Dem fokkas dey sed no, du bastids. Fokkin crooks dalotovum. sooner weez gedowda der de better,” he added.
