Here at the Rochdale Herald, we’ve managed to get a world exclusive. It’s the leaked transcript of the conversation between President Trump and Prime Minister, Malcolm Turnbull, of Australia. Here is an excerpt.

Good morning, Mr President. Delighted to speak to you and I would just like to reiterate Australia’s commitment to the United States. I, for one, cherish the relationship between our two countries and…

Hang on a sec. *Steve, who’s this guy grovelling down the phone? Oh what? Austria? Oh yeah I get it now.

So, you made some deal with that boobhead Obama?

Yes, Mr President. He agreed to take 1200 asylum seekers for resettlement in America.

And what did we get out of it?

Well, we were going to give you bucket loads of taxpayers’ money, plus a kangaroo skin rug for your den.

Asylum seekers? We’ve got enough crazies here right now and nowhere near enough asylums. Deal’s off.

But Mr President, let me explain. These are the people we keep for years in offshore detention. There have been one or two problems what with some of them self-harming, setting themselves alight, you know that kind of thing. Embarrassing for the government.

Well if you think I’m gonna take a bunch of arsonists and slashers, you’ve got another think coming. While I’ve got you here though, have you got Kylie’s number?


Kylie Minogue. Now that is one hot pussy well worth a grab.

Goodbye Mr President.

Auf wiedersehen.