Within the last hour the White House has announced plans to extend its controversial travel ban to unborn foetuses.
Trump’s Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, confirmed that the extension will be in place by Monday afternoon and will apply to all foetuses regardless of their nationality or religious background.
“The simple fact is we just don’t know where these foetuses have come from,” said Spicer. “However, we do know that every single terrorist attack carried out on American soil since 9/11 has been perpetrated by someone who was once a foetus.”
The ban will initially last for 90 days and will require foetuses to undergo ‘extreme vetting measures’, which will include them completing an in-depth interview with officials from the Department of Homeland Security and a 300-page application form questioning their developmental history, religious background and political leanings.
Babies born prior to the completion of vetting procedures will be forced to re-enter the womb and remain there until the DHS are satisfied that they pose no threat.
“This ban just makes sense,” said White House Chief of Staff, Reince Priebus. “These foetuses are emerging from vaginas all over the country knowing nothing about our values and completely incapable of speaking our language.
“Until we can figure out how to counter the threat posed by the unborn, you can consider the US border to start at your labia!”
However, the plans were roundly condemned by human rights groups, who said that the ban was unconstitutional and possibly illegal, though consistent with the new President’s attempts to turn the United States into a global embarrassment.
“Trump’s what you would get if Biff Tannen fucked an orangutan and then force fed it lead paint,” said one ACLU lawyer. “I realise that that’s probably politically incorrect but I can’t actually think of a better explanation for the colossal cluster bomb of raw horseshit that he’s blown up in our faces this week.”
According to White House insiders, Trump remained oblivious to the growing furore for most of the day, having spent several hours composing a Tweet criticizing Nickelodeon for not showing enough cartoons about successful billionaires who fight terrorism using their above-average-sized hands.
President Bannon was unavailable for comment.
