The Secret Service and senior members of the National Security Council have taken drastic steps to toughen US Nuclear launch protocols during Donald Trump’s presidency by replacing the Nuclear Football with a 1979 Speak and Spell.

“Honestly Donald won’t know the difference.” A White House insider told us. “Between you and me we had a similar system in place when George Bush was here, except then we just gave him an actual football.”

It would take about four minutes for the United States to launch a nuclear missile with the current system. The new system adds a new layer of security.

“Donald is going to have to listen to and correctly spell half a dozen words before he’ll be allowed to press any of the big red buttons, which in turn have been fitted with toddler proof screw top locks.” Our source added.

“Some of the words are quite difficult like unprecedented, loose, instinct and judgment. The idea is he’ll either lose interest in the toy after a minute or two or get frustrated and give up. It’s a pretty neat system really.”

We asked if they were worried he might just look the words up in a dictionary to which he responded;

“Don’t be ridiculous Donald has never opened a book in life.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.