In an official statement released this afternoon, God has apologised for the ongoing massacre of talent this year, blaming it on recent pressure to beef up Heaven’s on-site entertainment.
The statement, published on the Vatican website, claimed that the deaths were needed to shake-up a flagging variety line-up currently dominated by tambourine-heavy U2 tribute acts and weak parable-based comedy sketches.
“Have you any fucking idea how boring Christians are?” said one Archangel, who asked to remain anonymous. “Sure, they mean well but they don’t half know how to suck the life out of everything.
“Bowie, on the other hand, has already released a version of ‘Kum Ba Yah’ that sent shivers down my spine, and Prince’s rendition of ‘All Things Bright and Beautiful’ had the cherubs dry-humping their harps.”
Speaking directly to reporters outside the Pearly Gates, God acknowledged that the deaths had compounded the misery of one of the worst years in decades but called it a “necessary evil”.
“I appreciate it sucks for you guys but, seriously, have you any idea how good our nativity play is going to be this year?” She said.
“We’ve already got Alan Rickman signed up to play Herod, naturally, and I almost shat myself laughing when Gene Wilder started doing his Archangel Gabriel.
There was a bit of a bun fight over whether Mary would be played by Victoria Wood or Caroline Aherne, but that’s the price you pay for having so much talent available.
“You’re lucky we don’t have any wildlife up here,” She added, “otherwise Attenborough would have been underneath a bus months ago.”
