Hetrosexual Russian leader, Vladimir Putin immediately responded by sending a fleet of Grade 50 ballistic war ships to British waters.
He then instructed 4 million of his citizens to partake in a military drill where they were asked to evacuate to massive underground nuclear proof bunkers built into Russia’s infrastructure.
Theressa May has responded by sanctioning Russia, stating;
“Mr. Putin is a very nasty man and if he continues with these threats we’ll stop offering Russian citizens PPI claims. I mean it.”
Hasty preparations by the government began after the the new cold war increased in temperature.
Defence Secretary, Sir Michael Fallon, advised the British public to ‘prepare for the worse’ and had a leaflet distributed to every UK household advising families to hide under matresses in the event of a nuclear strike.
Asked for comment, Mr. Johnson said, “If that Vodka guzzling potato scoffing fairy sends in the nukes I’m going to put cling film on his bog and water bomb the prick.”