Russia has responded to Boris Johnson’s accusations of war crimes by counter-accusing the British government and Boris in particular of ‘Russophobia.’

Despite what one may assume, this is not the fear of trendy young comedians on the BBC, rather the Russian defence minister actually meant the irrational fear of Russia and Russians.

“This Boris fellow is just repeatink the silly Russophobic hysteria, dah?” said Sergey Shoygu, “It is all a storm in polonium filled teacup! We didn’t do it. Whatever it is. We are good guys. We only want peace and love. Is Russian way.”

Russia also didn’t shoot down that plane, annex the Crimean peninsula or cheat at any sports in the Olympics or whatever, he reminded us.

Boris made the comments, suggesting that the UN begin evidence gathering etc. for future charges against the Russian Federation (which the Herald would like to point out is definitely not a dictatorship under Putin that has a parliament largely as a show to legitimise a totalitarian regime. We won’t be drinking tea in London hotels any time soon though) after the bombing of a convoy of aid during a ceasefire.

And after they vetoed a UN resolution against bombing in Aleppo.

“Njet! That definitely wasn’t us either,” insisted Mr Shoygu, “I do hope your Boris friend is careful on his bike in the near future. I hear London roads is dangerous place to cycle.”